Is It Crazy or Is It Necessary?

Vee Neyan

Nov 28, 20194 min read

Updated: Apr 23, 2020

Their exact words, “You’re crazy and you need counseling and medication! Everyone hates you and no one likes you! You’re as fake as fake can get. Kill yourself because you’re not wanted!”

Whew!!!

That was about 3 Years Ago…

That took me back (BREATHE). At that very moment, was I really crazy or did I make a chess move and upset the other person whose abusive behavior I could no longer tolerate?

At that point, I couldn’t put into words what was going on. Outside of knowing this person, I was aware of their history with domestic violence. Those same abusive behaviors she experienced, she portrayed onto others; especially if she didn’t feel in control. Hurt people hurt people.

Right before this, I was harassed by the cops. I was pulled over after leaving a gas station late at night and forgot to turn back on my headlights (my destination was literally around the corner where they pulled me over). Overall it was a chaotic month. Other than coordinating for an event that I couldn’t keep up with, starting a new job that required a lot of my time, and getting stopped by rookie cops who tried to take me to jail under false pretenses; I was going through it. I needed a break.

I thought I had built a healthy working relationship with this person. We were spending way more time than usual together on projects. The transparency was there. Then one day I broke down. I told her everything I was going through. She acted as if she was there for me, but that next week she would speak to me as if everything I experienced was my fault. As if I DID get booked at county for doing wrong (which I didn’t). As if my summer project did not require attention because it was "fake." As if I did not start a new full time position that mattered. As if our work together was problematic from the beginning due to everything now being "my fault." *insert heavy eye rolls*

After the emotional devastation, the last conversation I had with this person, I ended communication with them completely. I would show up to places fake smiling, as if we were on good terms, as if we never had a heated conversation. In reality, I was distraught for months over her words. I was distraught by opening up to her about my current pain and triggered tears. I was damaged, at minimum for five months. No one knew. Yet, I couldn’t trust anyone. I was scared to open up, I had no clue who I was surrounded by and who could actually help console and encourage me.

What brought this chapter to a close was going to a community panel. We broke off into groups and different people were represented. My group had an internal auditor for law enforcement, a priest, a therapist, a foster parent, and other community members. With tears and trembles, I shared my recent traumatic experience of the cop stop. For months I was distraught. My projects were affected, my work was shaky, my decision making was not at its best, I hardly slept, and I was still replaying in my mind the hurtful words from the person I opened up to. Once I released my trauma in the group, their support and concern was deeply felt. I found my strength. After the event, the community members from my group were still expressing to me how much they cared and how much I mattered. The heavy burdens I once carried began to disappear.

Fast Forward to Now...

“Girl why didn’t you seek counseling instead of feeling alone and out there wildin? People really lose it over dealing with so much at one time!”

That question was pure form. I never thought about seeking professional help. I was scared, misinformed, and didn’t have time. I was so busy trying to prove to an irrelevant person that I wasn’t crazy, that I had no trauma, and I had inner strength.

I didn’t realize the tricks communities of color receive when it comes to seeking therapy. We’ve been told everything that’s wrong with it instead of looking into how is it helpful.

The Vee Neyan now would’ve been quick to get a therapist to help me navigate and think through my eventful life then. However, I’m just glad to still be here on Earth. That same horrible time, an old college friend passed away, and a well known musician whose music embraced my preteen years passed too. It was a difficult time for me. I questioned my sense of belonging daily, yet I wanted to recover from the pain and tears. I had to fight for my mental health. Through prayer, fasting, eating differently, and being in a community of love meant everything.

Therapy is a Choice worth taking!

Yes it’s true, the cost can be high; yet, due to technological advances, it doesn’t have to be. There are applications that specialize in low cost therapy whether short term, long term, and even clinical. Insurance plans may prioritize mental health options too. Group therapy and support groups are also a route worth trying. You are not alone in your journey. Therapy is necessary. If someone tries to call you crazy or make therapy seem like a bad thing, most likely they’re speaking of their own conflicts. They should seek counseling for their peace. If I had included therapy in my preparation for planning that specific phase, I may have been able to better manage. Of course the traumatic cop stop may have still occurred, but I wouldn't have gone nearly six months without seeking help for recovery.

Your life is important and it always will. Be real with yourself and listen to your body. Hardships occur. Situations change. Sickness happens. Regardless, you are worth being here. You have a purpose. Take care of your whole self. Be in tune with your mental health. Never be afraid of your scars. Reach out as needed.