Throwin Dollaz

What on Earth was I thinking?

Quarantine has really shown itself. I’m pretty sure an affirmation of mine going into 2020 was “I will be a good steward over my finances,” yet here I was, as if all those food delivery purchases weren’t enough. But I did it.

I signed up for a master class about marketing your brand and telling your story. How did I find it? I don’t even know exactly, possibly from going on a gossip page, where someone was either dancing or apologizing, but either way, I did it. I checked the description, I checked the dates, I checked my calendar, and I agreed that this can be done. The instructor also had that quarantine price so here I was throwin dollaz.

*heavy with the eye roll*

One realization that cannot be ignored in this current virtual society are time zones, but thank God for the calendar reminder set up via email; that’s how I made it to the first class. In the first class, I loved the entire presentation. I knew it was something I could take on and since I paid for this leisure activity, I wanted to make the most of it. Immediately I bought the books using my Amazon Prime (what was life like before having A.P. again?), I downloaded the syllabus, I asked questions in the chat, I was fully present.

Then...my daily routines started to change.

The master class wasn’t every week, the homework wasn’t even a lot, the books were even optional, but after I didn’t turn in the first assignment, I felt defeated. It wasn’t the type of defeat to where I couldn’t compete, but it was the overwhelmed defeat. I had other things to do. I now found myself being tired, not having that spark, feeling stuck at the start point. I had just finished my entire capstone project and presentation for graduate school, yet I found myself still busy instead of easy going and smooth sailing.

At least that's how things seemed.

Luckily, I would remember to still join the classes virtually, but I kept forgetting the different time zones. I began to faithfully log on to the sessions at C.P. time so I just did the "get in where you fit in" each session. Then one day I missed the class. Not only did I miss the class, but I misplaced the email for that specific session. When I found the email, the session that day was cancelled...

...Safe!

I suddenly got the momentum to look at the syllabus and start completing the work I missed. I saw and knew what I wanted to present and how to make it represent me. Knowing me, once I get into the razzle dazzle of things, I put my own creativity and my own sense of self into each assignment. I was motivated. I even started to meditate, have a mini dance party, pray, cry, and eat ice cream while preparing the work. Oh I’m a multitasker so this was literally all possible.

But right before I sent the email to turn it all in, I paused.

“I don’t know these people, sure the master class presenter is well known, but what if she’s just looking for new ideas to build her own brand? Sure she’s cool but Ness these are your tools, build your own stuff and don’t let anyone try to make it theirs.”

These thoughts began to cloud my mind, so whether I was looking out for me or fearful of what could be, I ultimately just saved my work, went on with the rest of my day and then forgot to attend the very last class for that session.

Alright...sure...why this long old story?

Well...it’s simple. In life do we often find ourselves viewing what we do as being a hindrance or a protector to ourselves? Are we gullible to every single thing that sounds good or are we a bit more hesitant if something sounds too good? Do we take leaps or do we stick with what seems safe? The song, “What God Has For Me It Is For Me” is something that has given me the reassurance to know that whatever is meant for me will not pass me and will eventually come to me as mine. However, it wasn’t until recently where I started to take into consideration, maybe there are times when I’m holding myself back. Maybe instead of taking a chance and staying on the high roll, the thought of changing focus comes to mind as “Is this actually going to be okay for me to pursue?”

To ourselves, we can be our own worst critic.

Our own worst enemy (in-a-me), we can also be accustomed to toxicity and not even realize how we self-sabotage, yet we will convince ourselves the feelings are for our own good. One thing I started to do years ago, after I was convinced by a trusted source to not pursue a certain industry, I told myself that from then on I would live for me, do what feels best for me, and have no regrets. Even with this mentality, there have been times where if I made my decision, was it from fear or knowledge? This realization is something I have begun to examine in depth more during my 30s journey.

As a spiritual person, who believes in the Holy Trinity, the sense of alignment has been heavy on me. The master class was wonderful! It was definitely something great to occur, yet at the time I was not fully aligned to where I could grasp the concepts and pursue the work for myself at that moment. I was hesitant to bet on myself. I let hindrance interfere to where all I accomplished was a save doc and a save pdf instead of producing the concepts I learned along the way.

In this season, this encounter was brought back to my remembrance as various doors and opportunities began to occur and align with my vision board and affirmations. Sometimes we have to get back on track and set the pace.

Along your journey, as you meditate, affirm, and manifest, continue to align yourself and block out the thoughts of self-sabotage. Whether you're taking a master class, in school, working, applying for jobs, waiting for your next, or just living your life as safely as you know how day by day; believe in you and believe that good things are for you and believe that good things will come to you. Accept your due season, flow in its wonders, and encourage others along the way. Don't stop yourself, just present your best self, and most of all invest in self.

Flourish!!!

*Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.*