Wake Up Call

Things started off great.

He even wrote one of my papers for me. We went on dates, we spoke all the time, we hung out often. I could finally relax and feel safe with him. We were cute together. People knew we were together. Different sources approved. Everything seemed right. We had a vibe, a real connection; but, beyond the sheets we were a mess covered in our own sap.

Then we ended.

When we ended it was over. I blew up. He stood me up on my birthday. I was hurt. I made so many changes just for him. We argued often, we forgave but we didn’t mean it. When he cheated, he confessed, so I made sure to always be there for him. This still wasn’t enough. He still embarrassed me. Through the let down and the next day giving him my entire unsolicited thoughts, I then wanted him back.

I spent months imagining us back together, and working us out.

I was apologetic. Couldn't he just call me back and forgive me? I even asked my friends to call on my behalf so he would just give in. I didn’t want to believe it was over. I changed for him. This ill hope lasted for months, manifestation was out of service. The stress was real.

I don’t even know when I woke up, but it happened.

Reflecting on our past conversations, he wasn't all there himself. I started to realize he had his own struggles, his own trauma, his own changes and his own challenges. There was nothing that I could do during our time to fix things for him. The changes he wanted me to make were a reflection of his internal struggles. His pain inflicted me while I thought I was his cure. I was trying to be who he wanted me to be. Who was I to myself? He didn’t even know who he was. I had to apologize to myself. I had to introspect. I had to acknowledge what was and wasn't for me. I had to get back on track and grow, for me.

A year later he called

He apologized. He expressed his wrongs and he was sorry. I was impressed, but I didn’t want him. It was nice talking to him with no feelings attached. I listened and I was glad we were on good terms, but I didn’t want to explore anything further.

He messaged me months later

We spoke for about a week then suddenly he wanted to meet up and work things out. It was odd, but I was fine with it. As the weekend drew near, I was listening to Drake (yeah you read that right). The song on repeat “Let’s Call It Off.” I couldn't turn from that song, it spoke to me loud and clear. The night before we were supposed to meet up, I texted him.

“Hey, Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off”

No explanation to the text, this meet up just didn’t sit right. It took me forever to move on from him, and I finally did. There was no point in going back and getting lost all over again. Did he even get help to heal? His response “Fasho,” that was now our end. If we randomly spoke later on I don’t remember.

That next week he became official with his girlfriend.

If he “needed” to choose he chose correct with her. I confirmed my worth, I embraced who I was, and since then I haven’t changed to appease others and neglect myself. I matter. When I’m ready to go I go. When I want to change, I do what's needed. I hold myself accountable for how I treat me and others. It’s good to reflect and heal. It's also fine to accommodate as needed. Not every relationship is worth the struggle, the uncertainty, or the scrutiny. Healing and recovery are important.

His peace and well being is important, my peace and well being is important, and yours is too.

Respect Yourself, Learn Yourself, Grow Yourself, Love Yourself